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  • saskialayburn

Meet my internal critic - My blogging journey begins..

Updated: Jun 26, 2023

It’s a funny thing, writing a blog. Perhaps I should pop the word ‘attempting’, to write a blog. I uploaded my first entry and felt pride, exposure and a little intimidated by what might follow, (depending on the narrative of my mind that day). On this particular day, the narrative went something like this.

‘Wow, that was scary. I’m proud I’ve managed to start something here. I wonder what it might become? What if it takes off and leads to me writing books and sharing stories all over the world?! What if people hate it? What if people think I’m stupid? Am I stupid? People have told me that I’m stupid before. I often feel this way about myself, therefore others must see this in me too? Ohh, I should take it down. Take it down quickly before anyone gets the chance to see it. I bet it’s too late, I bet someone has and already thinks, ‘woah, she’s stupid.’

This was the negative spiral my mind led me down that day. Some days, my thoughts are full of positive energy and self-worth. Other days, like this one, it’s just so easy to slip down the slide to self-loathing and meeting my internal critic for a little party. These days are inevitable. It’s how we meet them that makes the biggest difference.

How do you meet your internal critic? That little voice at the back of your mind, or wherever you might hear/feel/see it. What happens when your internal critic hops itself into the driving seat of your mind? Do you sit back, and accept your fate? Do you wrestle over the steering wheel?

The day I wrote my first entry on here, I met my internal critic with curiosity. I started to ask it questions. The conversation looked a little like this.

Internal critic: You look so stupid writing this. Your teachers thought you were stupid, your family think you’re stupid, are you seriously going to leave this up for the rest of the world to find out how stupid you really are?

Me: Wow, that felt harsh. Why are you saying such things?

I.C: You know why, because you have no self-worth and you’ve never believed in yourself.

Me: That’s not true, there are many times that I can recall doing things where I’ve believed in myself. However, I’m not sure I believe you right now.

I.C: How can you not believe me? I am you!

Me: You’re not me, you’re anyone and everyone else that ever criticised me without support. You are a collection of external, societal and unhelpful messages and today, I choose not to listen to you. Today, you do not win!

Internal critic walks off in a huff.

Now, I wish every conversation with my internal critic (also called my Gremlin) could look this way, and perhaps one day it might? There are often days when I just don’t have the capacity to put up that fight and when those days do come, it can be a painful and pretty lonely time. I just have to remind myself as much as I can, that such moments can and will pass.

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